Thursday, October 4, 2012

loss and gratefulness



OK so.  This is the third time I’ve written this post.  Looks like this one, unlike the other two, didn’t get deleted.  There are a few reasons why I’ve so hesitated to post this.  First, I’m about to get personal ya’ll.  I share little bits of my heart on here all the time, but this one cuts deep.  The truth is, life isn’t always unicorns and rainbows.  Not in your life and certainly not in my life.  And sometimes, I feel like I put pressure on myself to always put uplifting and encouraging posts on here.  I worry what others will think the first time I post something personal or sad.  I worry that people will judge me.  But a few months ago I read Sarah’s post that encouraged me.  Mine doesn’t look exactly like hers, but I will say that I have come to respect and love this little bloggy community I have found.  The past few months have been hard.  And it is amazing how much encouragement I have found in reading so many other blogs who have experienced something in relation to what I have.  So enough I already I know.  I’m stopping the justification and saying thank you.  Thank you for letting me be honest on here.  I pray that my post will encourage just one woman out there – one family.  Because that is reason enough for me.

So what is all this about?  Well just a few months ago, on July 9, 2012 Matt and I found out we were pregnant.  PREGNANT.  Holy cow.  Blood tests confirmed the next day I had a 5 week old baby just a cookin.  We were surprised.  So surprised.  We weren’t technically trying.  But we were overjoyed.  Absolutely ecstatic.  6 days later one of my best friends got married and I happily faked drinking water out of beer bottles and non-alcoholic margaritas.  I was walking on air.  But I’m a worry wart.  A crazy one.  And I was so nervous.  But I followed all my rules to the T and Matt and I anxiously went to our 8 week appointment on August 6.

That was a hard day.  Probably the saddest day I’ve had in my entire life.  No baby.  No heartbeat.  Hormones? Check. Amniotic sac? Check.  But my little one that was once was no longer.  The medical term is “blighted ovum” but the term that hit me like a ton of bricks was “miscarriage.”  Miscarriage.  I believe this is one of a woman’s biggest fears.  And no matter how many people can relate, or how far a long you were or weren’t, it hurts.  More than I can explain on paper.  More than I can explain in words.  I felt lost, I felt alone and I felt empty.  I am so blessed to say that my husband truly was and is my rock.  He carried me and continues to do so.  His strength brought me through when I had absolutely none.  And I know he will make an amazing father one day.
Fast forward to today, October 4, 2012, and here I am.  Still going to doctor’s appointments almost weekly trying to get my body all figured out.  We aren’t going to try for a bambino for quite a while now because we want to focus on us some more and do a little travelin’.  And I kinda need to stop being so emotional before we put another baby in my belly.  But I’m OK.  No.  I’m better than OK.  I am grateful.  You see, the immediate days following my August 6 appointment were filled with sadness yes, and a lot of anger.  I was so mad at God.  How could he take what was mine?  How could he put me through something like this?  And you know what He did?  He could’ve (and probably should’ve) shaken me by my shoulders and screamed, “Stop talking crazy child,” but instead He just held me.  He held me close.  He reminded me that He is good.  He has a plan.  A plan that is so much bigger and better than anything I could ever dream of.  A plan that makes His kingdom bigger and my heart more full.  So it is with truth that I can say for this experience I am grateful.  Sounds strange to some maybe.  I am actually grateful for my miscarriage.  Now don’t get me wrong.  It still hurts.  It’s still sad.  But slowly He is healing me. He is drawing me closer and closer to Him.  I am becoming more of Him and less of me.  He showed me a side of my husband I have never seen before.  One that is strong and trusting of the Lord and one that gives me great confidence for our future. 

So yea, I am grateful.  And I pray that if anyone is reading this or has experienced any kind of miscarriage or losing a child, please know I am praying for you.  Every day.  If you want a blogger friend to talk to, email me.  Every miscarriage experience is different but every experience is painful.  I pray that you know you are not alone.  And that God is holding you.  And despite how you feel right now, He is good.  It’s crazy how many people have experienced this exact same thing, but no one talks about it.  Well, I just did.  And I know a lot of other people who are starting to as well.  Because that’s real life.

So thanks for listening today.  Hope it wasn’t too sad or down for you.  But it was real and honest.  Last, Matt and I started a journal for our baby when we found out we were pregnant.  I will leave you with a small bit of the last letter I wrote our precious babe.

“Thank you for filling up my heart fuller than I ever imagined.  Thank you for showing me how to love more fully and more unconditionally.  And thank you for showing me bits and pieces of your dad, I haven’t seen yet…. I love you.”


xoxo