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| my fearless pup |
This post is real and this post is
vulnerable. Beware – parts of my soul
and my crazy heart and head are on full display. So here goes.
I have a hate-hate relationship with
fear. I have my whole life. Fear is something that haunts me all the
time. It’s definitely a struggle of
mine. It touches every aspect of my life
– from what I look like on the outside to how I feel on the inside. I fear what others will think of me or say if
I do this, or what will happen if I make this decision. It’s the constant second-guessing, insecure
voice in my head always doubting me. It’s
heightened because I’m a people-pleaser.
I would rather please others and do what they want me to do than make
myself happy. Sometimes this is a good
thing and causes me to be selfless in situations where it’s needed, but in
others it clouds my judgment and I can no longer see the decision at hand but
only what others will think or say. And
fear is not from God. No. He does not want us to fear others or our
circumstances but instead trust in Him for all things. But mostly, I choose fear.
I feel like a lot of big stuff is
going on right now in so many of my loved ones’ lives – big decisions to be
made and big news to share. Life has
been a bit crazy for me too. Between
best friends getting married, bachelorette parties (I’m leaving today for
Charleston yay), family cookouts, prepping for work, and the fact that I’ve
been an emotional basket case lately, fear has seemed to creep in to most parts
of my life. Fear of not being good
enough, fear of losing something or someone I love, fear of what others may
think of a decision, fear of God deserting me even. I lie awake at night sometimes and my head
imagines the craziest and saddest possible situations. Ugh.
It’s disturbing really. When I
put it on paper it makes me laugh, cry and feel kinda embarrassed. It’s real and it’s honest though. And it’s this fear that keeps me from
enjoying all life has to offer. It keeps
me from relishing in the pure joy of an event or a blessing. But it’s those times when I have no choice
but to cling to the promise that He will never leave us. I know that fear has no place in my
heart. I know that I am fearfully and
wonderfully made and God does not bless us, and then leave us. And I know that God does not give us more
than we can handle. No. He stands beside us and He gives us the desires
of our heart. But why in the everyday
musings of life, is it so hard for me to believe that? I mean
truly believe that. Well, I’m flawed
and a mess for sure. But that will never
change.
So today, I choose faith over
fear. I choose to let go of my
control-freak nature and stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking. Despite my disaster-like heart and crazy
mind, God has chosen to bless me and put me in situations that are happy. So I will be happy. I will not let fear claim my
happiness. And when there are times
of sadness and anger, I hope I choose faith then too.
So, God, please keep
working on me.
I’m still a mess and
always will be.
Change my heart and don’t
let go.
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| pure bliss - no fear |